Single Surrender

I’m going to share something that, throughout the years, I have been somewhat embarrassed about.  I guess I always thought it was not a topic to discuss in mixed company…mixed as in single and married.  I’ve used the excuse that nobody cares to hear about the deep pains of singleness or that any lesson I’ve learned would not be equally useful to married couples to avoid sharing the deep pain I’ve felt in regard to my singleness.  But this is the single biggest story of my adult life, and today I will share it, along with God’s redemption.

In my senior year of high school, all seniors had to meet with the guidance counselor to discuss our future.  “Tell me about your 5 and/or 10 year plans, Eileen.”  Those who know me understand my present aversion to such an idea, but I had none on this day. “Well, in 5 years I hope to be married, maybe with 1 kid.  10 years I hope to have 2-3 kids.”  I’m pretty sure he hadn’t heard that one before, but it was an honest admission from me, apparently not ambitious enough for him (oh, the irony). That was my future. I was going to college as a backup plan, willing to be a teacher for a year or two before I had kids.  That was the plan.

Being willing to return to China after student-teaching was my first act of surrender in regards to marriage.  Coming here, a woman must put her full trust that, if she is to get married while overseas, it will most certainly be an act of God.  Signing on for 2 more sets of contracts were each their own unique acts of surrender.  Imagine feeling like you have signed away your 20s to singleness, teaching in a grey-skied foreign country!  I’ll leave when I’m 29 or older (31, 33?), and I’m still coming to terms with that.

It hit me a few weeks ago what my surrender has been, though.  I’m very much a visual and kinesthetic learner, so God gave me a picture of my supposed surrender.  I hold marriage in my hand like a piece of cloth. Like a young child clings to the shirt or skirt of his mother.  I have a death grip on it.  My surrender is this, “Lord, I am willing to stay single for the rest of my life.  But if you want me to take this from me, you’re gonna have to cut off my whole hand. I know it’s gonna be a long and painful process, but I’m willing to endure it to follow you.”  That’s exactly how it has been…no exaggeration.  I’m even willing to follow God around while holding on to my piece of marriage hopes….ready to embrace the ensuing bloody mess as God’s best for my life.

And yet letting go has been the impossible.  When I can bring myself to think hopefully, I desperately pray for God to bring me a husband…and soon, please.  Please give me patience to wait.  Last week when the speaker in fellowship called us to pray with each other for the impossible, I immediately thought of marriage. What could be more impossible than finding an English-Speaking Follower of Christ in China.  And not just anyone…somebody who can put up with me and love it. Somebody who has the same whole-hearted passion for living a surrendered, spirit-led, Christ-empowered life as I.  That’s impossible.  But last Sunday God made me think of something even more impossible than that: real surrender of marriage.  Real surrender…letting go of that cloth, not just being willing to joyfully endure the amputation of my hand (if that’s what God’s good means), but laying the cloth down, releasing muscles clenched longer than I can remember. Muscles that have atrophied into a powerful, unmovable grip on a part of life I thought necessary to my earthly happiness.  Thought of life without marriage was worse than almost anything else I could imagine.  Growing old alone.

But last week, God did the impossible through prayer.  When I prayed, “Lord, help me really surrender,” He began to work from within my body, starting at my heart and mind out to my clenched fist.  And he released my grip…if only a finger, two.  And I’ve never felt freer.  But I’ve struggled to describe the change.  I still desire marriage as much as before. I still feel the pain.  And as I was reading Larry Crabb’s book, “Shattered Dreams,” I came upon a quote that described it perfectly. “It’s a foreign idea to imagine that we might desire God so strongly and passionately that every other desire could still be fully felt and yet not control us.”  That’s it, control.  I have surrendered control to God.

I hope you see why this story is worth telling.  It’s worth telling because it’s not a story about singleness or marriage. It’s a story about surrender, the complete kind.  What have you held onto with an iron grip, admitting that you are willing to let God chop your hand off?  What is your worst fear?  Have you surrendered it, really, to Him?  If not, we have a lot in common.  But we also have something else in common; when we ask Him to help us surrender, He will.  It may takes years, but He will. He’s always been faithful to me.

I shared this story in my fellowship. If you are interested in watching it on youtube, the link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiG7uNyVevE. 

Good Ol' USA

There are many delightful aspects of the U.S. that I truly miss.  Being away for so long has given me a fresh perspective on this "land of the free and home of the brave."  Here are some points (both good and bad) that have stuck out to me during the last 4 weeks.

1.  Waste: When I tell my students that many ppl in the U.S. actually have sprinklers to regularly water the grass in their yard, they are shocked.  Another example: plastic cutlery and cups as thick as the real stuff.

2.  Car convenience: Please, never underestimate the convenience and comfort of owning a personal vehicle.  Wanna go grocery shopping? Hop in the car, load up the cart, push the cart to the car, load up the car, drive car within a few steps of your door, empty car in multiple trips.  Take a moment and think about how WONDERFUL that is.

3.  Sedentary lifestyle: See number 2 as partial support for this.  I know many Americans are living healthy lifestyles, but it has been a shocker, nonetheless, how many are not.

4.  Nature: Again, I realize the regions and urban/rural differences within the U.S. are as varied as it gets, but I thoroughly enjoy the non-city aspect in Columbia.

Liberty, my parents' aging boxer, also enjoys #s 2-4.

5.  Friendliness:  Ok, so maybe it's all a facade, but I'll take a "how are you doin'" any day to a shove out of the way or wary glance.

6.  Choice: Walk into a grocery store and look at how many different options you have for salad dressing (or almost any other thing)...and be amazed.

7.  Variety: of people, of food, of things people "need," of appearances, of opinions, of lifestyle choices....it's everywhere.

8. Personal Space: Ah, the invisible bubble. It's quite delightful, really, to be able to go in public and be quite sure you won't have to physically touch another being unless you are personally inclined to do so.

Dear Abram

You earned a name in the "faith hall of fame" (Hebrews 11), and I'm a bit confused about how all this works practically in life.  Would you answer some questions for me?

When you went to Egypt to get food in a famine, you sorta took things into your own hands.  You told Sarai to lie and say she was your sister...wanted to save your own hide, right?  It doesn't seem like that was what God wanted, though, because Pharoah's whole household got diseased when he took Sarai as his wife.  You took things into your own hands and failed.  God blessed you with riches, but that's because He promised He would.

When you gave the best choice of land to Lot (yes, your little nephew who was not given the covenant promise that you were) did God tell you specifically to do that, or were you just acting maturely? Was it faith that told you not to be proactive in gaining that land?

When the King of Sodom offered you a bunch of money, you refused him because you made an oath to God not to take money from him so that it could only be said that the riches had come from God.  Did God tell you to take that oath, or did you just know because you were abiding in Him?

When you listened to the voice of Sarai and had a child with Hagar, you were taking things into your own hands?  How did that work out for you? Is that how God wanted to work to give you children?

So I guess what I'm wondering is, what do you think of the common Christian phrase:
"Work as if it's all up to you, pray as if it's all up to God"
?
?

Monkey Horror

Today, in an attempt to check out a possible field trip opportunity, some friends and I traveled to a "monkey park" about an hour from home. We were hoping to see some monkeys up close, but after seeing these signs, we were a bit concerned.

 But in the end the monkeys were not as horrifying as the signs seemed to indicate.  They appreciated the snacks we shared with them and came right up to take it gently from our hands. They did not appreciate, however, the others there who were determined to get the baby monkeys out of the trees by throwing bottles at them.

Teacher Conferences

That's right, throughout the world, teachers gather yearly to continue their own education.  The conferences for my school regularly take place in the first week of October because it coincides with National Holiday in China.  Here are some things I've learned from my conference experiences:

1) The more specific the session, the more useful.  I've found that general sessions can be so general, that they can rarely be useful.  Educators love to point to the fact that we all must find our own style and learn what kind of teacher we are without ever explicitly saying how we are supposed to do this.

2) Sometimes teachers like to make others think so much that they've forgotten how to think themselves.
     "Professor, but how can I....?"
     "Well, that's a great question.  What do you think? Anyone?"
This is NOT an exaggeration of a real situation.

3) There's never enough time for collaboration.  What we teachers really want to do is get together and hear awesome ideas from others who teach the same subject and grade as we do.  Turns out, there's no time for that because we're so busy learning about general topics and being asked, "So what do YOU think?"
I'm convinced that the fate of teachers (and perhaps most professions) is to spend vast quantities of time on work that is both seemingly less useful and most clearly less interesting than what we would do if given the time to better ourselves.  But maybe my view of human nature is skewed.

4) Titles can be deceiving.  Had a friend go to a session entitled "Writing Indicators" thinking he would learn about how to teach writing. He soon found out it was really about how to write indicators (which are what we base lessons off of)...a significantly more drab topic (as far as most are concerned).

Don't Read This Dating Book

Over dinner with Kim this evening, I decided that if I were to write a book, it would be titled "Don't Read This Dating Book" and would recount the many humorous (and not so humorous) contents of Dating Books.

Dating books have their place for sure.  Certainly the books I read as a teen have led me to my present mindset (and ability to laugh at dating books).  But to some extent, I think they all may lack one aspect: truth and humor...also known as sarcasm.  To make up for this loss, the following:
(Warning: These are taken from my life experience, and therefore may be insulting to some...please take with a grain of salt...I'm not making fun of you...specifically)

Possible titles for my book with condensed summaries:


1) Longings of the heart: Read this book if you wish you were dating, but you're not, so you're reading a book about how to date or not date to fulfill your romantic longings by thinking of what you should or should not do once you do have a date.

2) I Kissed Courting Goodbye: Courting is given a new name and thoroughly described.

3) Online Dating: Proactive steps for the desperate.

4) Why Aren't You Married Yet: How not to be afraid of the opposite gender.

5) You'll Get Married When: Finally, a detailed and scientific explanation of why you really will find your significant other once you are finally fully satisfied with your present condition.

6) Things Singles Don't Know: An encyclopedic record of all the things singles don't know because they are not married with kids, listed here in alphabetical order with full and simple explanations of each.  You too can learn about "real life."

7) The Kid Table: Why you always get stuck at the kid table and what to do about it.

8) Making the Most: How to make the most of being single including chapters on "babysitting," "service," and developing skills and talents to attract the opposite gender (recipes included for girls and guitar tips for guys).

9) Share the Bed: Why sleeping with stuffed animals prepares you for your mate.

10) I'm Dating Jesus: Come on people, what does that even mean?

Falling for Fall

It's the end of summer...hopefully.  And I really want fall.  Here's why:

Fall is:

jeans and a hoodie

pumpkin bread fresh from the oven

spiced drinks

fresh wind

dried leaves

Thanksgiving

walks without sweat

cozy with a book

open arms and deep breaths

sweatpants without the sweat

picnics

open windows

family soon