It's been over a year since I last posted anything on this thing. I think I somehow believe that what I have to say has to be profound in order to go on the blog, even though I know that's not true. And frankly, life has simply been flying by. But every once in awhile I'm asked to share about what God is teaching me and it is then that I begin to write again. Here is the written form of my rambling mind's wanderings as I worked through the past six months. It's long, so either suck it up or give up :)
There are many things I want to say and the words and expressions have struggled through the barbed wire trenches of my muddy mind for weeks now, belly crawling to find their way out where they can be seen, useful, but not shot down on the battle field upon first standing up. The testimony of God’s goodness always finds its way out somehow, though, amidst my own thoughts and desires to be understood, or to say something profound. But a testimony is always, first and foremost, about God, testifying to Him- who He is through what He has done. This testimony of mine, of the past 6 months, is like a cheap fake purchase at the Beijing Pearl Market- looks cool but doesn’t last more than 3 uses-- unless it points to Him. My prayer as I write this out is that this testimony is the real deal, pointing to the Maker and Designer, the One who cuts no corners to produce in us what is top quality and won’t wear out no matter how many times it’s used.
This testimony begins where my last story ended- February, surrender. For those of you didn't read my last post, that was a turning point in my life- a time when God broke through my stiff-necked refusal to truly believe He would be good to me in singleness or marriage and claimed His promise in the depths of my being, giving up my perceived notions of control. It certainly was a breakthrough. It was only because of that that for the first time I didn’t feel like I was taking control of my future by taking the step to join eharmony. Honestly, it started on a whim. I didn’t feel the same aversion to the idea of going online as I had before, because I knew that God is in control of the internet fibers and people using it in the same way and to the same extent as He is of everything else. I had no more control online than I did waiting for Him to bring me someone in China. It was not a well-thought out decision, but one that I felt complete peace about, something that would not have been true just a few months before. Looking back, I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. I had just signed a two year contract which hadn’t even begun yet. Really, my story started then, back in January, with me begging the principal for an extra 2 days to make that final decision, to be sure that God wanted me to sign that contract...to be absolutely certain, that God wanted me to stay 2 more years...not 1, but 2.
Eharmony is fun, but it’s not. I wrote to a few guys, always thinking that probably most people are turned off by the fact I’m in China. For some reason, I never really considered the distance as a real issue. I mean, it was only 2 years! I think the idea was to find someone and maybe meet them in the summer, then 2 years later go home and get married...that would be most ideal, right? I never really thought about how those two years might be difficult if I were to meet someone. The hard part is finding the right guy, right?
It’s September and eharmony is clearly struggling...35 year old male after 35 year old male, military, lawyer, beach bum, “video game designer” (?)...one after another. I could read one sentence and easily decide not to even take the first very simple step. Come early October and a profile I almost closed out, but I came back the next day to send the bazillionth set of questions that I never expected to hear back from. At this point, I was going to let my eharmony subscription run out in November and then not get on again until at least August, giving me a more reasonable time for getting to know someone and then being able to be with them in America. But Caleb answered back, again and again. And his answers got me really excited. You have to understand, you can go as far or as short as you want on eharmony. I had no problems getting to the emailing stage and just talking to guys and getting to know them, just to get a feel for the situation without ever really being sold out interested in them. But Caleb was different from the start. “What’s your biggest fear in marriage? a. being hurt, b. becoming like your parents, c. losing interest.” and he writes in his own answer, “that I’ll lose sight of marriage as a representation of Christ and the church.” Say what?! Wish I’d thought of that :) And it continued. We began sending messages, then went to e-mail. We skyped and I waited. and I waited and wondered what was going on in his head, as girls so often do with guys. He told me he had closed out all his matches and eventually I closed mine. He was always 100% clear with me where he was at. He said he was taking it slow. He asked how I was about it all and I answered guardedly. He admitted the distance and time was hard to deal with. He wondered about how our personalities went together and the whole time I was thinking, “what more could you possibly be waiting for?”
You have to know this- there’s alot people can say in an e-mail. There’s no pretty flower on the ground or ugly dog or awkward outfit somebody’s wearing to lead a frivolous discussion. There’s no “so and so did this and then so and so did this...” or “wow, this food is soooo good today. I love Chinese food.” You can only write so much about mundane topics before you start digging deep, if only to find something to write or talk about.
But in every relationship, there comes a point when you decide to either take one big vulnerable step or take a step back. And we had both been taking baby steps of vulnerability. There came a final step, though, that I had to take, but before I did, I called my parents in a moment of “crisis” and asked them what I should do and what I should say to Caleb. I was shocked that my dad was almost pushing me to just trust this guy. Their faith in my ability to discern surprised me, and their peace about somebody whom none of us had met also caught me by surprise. And there’s the hand of God. A peace that doesn’t make sense. A mom peace and dad peace and Eileen and Caleb peace both. Nothing but peace except for an inner struggle based on the non-sensical-ness of it all. A guy who was just about ready to close everything out 3 months before because eharmony is stupid. And a God that said “just keep going with this one...the one in China.” Caleb looking at the distance and saying “that just doesn’t make sense. I don’t want that. That’s too hard.” and a God saying “my grace is sufficient for you. Take one more step. Just one step.”
From my side, it was slow and I didn’t know what was going on. But this is what was going on- God in the still small voice, telling him to keep stepping. Me, wondering what could possibly be stopping him from crossing the border, not knowing that it was the hand of God alone that was drawing him to just take one day’s more of step. And on my side, a peace that didn’t make sense. An ocean, sometimes silence, but never doubting that God was in this. And one promise for sure- “My timing is good.” I don’t know how I knew that promise. It was in my head almost from the very beginning, from the first doubt of why He was doing this now. “My timing is good. Trust me.” I wanted to go home then. I wanted to make sure it would work out. I wanted to take control again. But always “my timing is good. Just trust me.”
And still today. It doesn’t make sense. Why would God lead me to sign that 2-year contract, so purposely prayed over and clearly led? I’d even asked about and mulled over the one year contract. Why didn’t God lead me to that? Why would I have already planned every 2 week vacation through December 2013 before ever meeting Caleb? We had Vietnam tickets in September for goodness sake! Who even does that? Why would he be on the same length of contract back in Wyoming? why why why? “My timing is good. Trust me.”
And so we do, even though it doesn’t make sense. and 6 months, then 9 months, then 6 months is even more impossible than thousands of miles. But God specializes in impossible. He specializes in strength through weakness and “watch me” and “wow, look at that.” He loves being center of vulnerably dependent beings. He loves coming through on His promises. And I love when there’s no explanation but “God.”
So whatever reasons there may be for a long-term, long-distance relationship not to work out, I assure you I have dwelt with them already. But for me (for us) that is the land of doubt. I’m not saying that I know what will happen in the future, but for now I know for certain this- God’s timing is good. Trusting Him is good. Keeping my eyes fixed on Him is good...and Caleb and I now is good. Neither of us claims to know what the future holds or when or how, but we both know with full assurance that this has been and is being led by Him. That doesn’t mean and never has meant that it’s free of pain or struggle or hardship all mixed in with doubt, but it does mean it will be good. Because we serve a good God. And that is worthy of testimony.
