Single Surrender

I’m going to share something that, throughout the years, I have been somewhat embarrassed about.  I guess I always thought it was not a topic to discuss in mixed company…mixed as in single and married.  I’ve used the excuse that nobody cares to hear about the deep pains of singleness or that any lesson I’ve learned would not be equally useful to married couples to avoid sharing the deep pain I’ve felt in regard to my singleness.  But this is the single biggest story of my adult life, and today I will share it, along with God’s redemption.

In my senior year of high school, all seniors had to meet with the guidance counselor to discuss our future.  “Tell me about your 5 and/or 10 year plans, Eileen.”  Those who know me understand my present aversion to such an idea, but I had none on this day. “Well, in 5 years I hope to be married, maybe with 1 kid.  10 years I hope to have 2-3 kids.”  I’m pretty sure he hadn’t heard that one before, but it was an honest admission from me, apparently not ambitious enough for him (oh, the irony). That was my future. I was going to college as a backup plan, willing to be a teacher for a year or two before I had kids.  That was the plan.

Being willing to return to China after student-teaching was my first act of surrender in regards to marriage.  Coming here, a woman must put her full trust that, if she is to get married while overseas, it will most certainly be an act of God.  Signing on for 2 more sets of contracts were each their own unique acts of surrender.  Imagine feeling like you have signed away your 20s to singleness, teaching in a grey-skied foreign country!  I’ll leave when I’m 29 or older (31, 33?), and I’m still coming to terms with that.

It hit me a few weeks ago what my surrender has been, though.  I’m very much a visual and kinesthetic learner, so God gave me a picture of my supposed surrender.  I hold marriage in my hand like a piece of cloth. Like a young child clings to the shirt or skirt of his mother.  I have a death grip on it.  My surrender is this, “Lord, I am willing to stay single for the rest of my life.  But if you want me to take this from me, you’re gonna have to cut off my whole hand. I know it’s gonna be a long and painful process, but I’m willing to endure it to follow you.”  That’s exactly how it has been…no exaggeration.  I’m even willing to follow God around while holding on to my piece of marriage hopes….ready to embrace the ensuing bloody mess as God’s best for my life.

And yet letting go has been the impossible.  When I can bring myself to think hopefully, I desperately pray for God to bring me a husband…and soon, please.  Please give me patience to wait.  Last week when the speaker in fellowship called us to pray with each other for the impossible, I immediately thought of marriage. What could be more impossible than finding an English-Speaking Follower of Christ in China.  And not just anyone…somebody who can put up with me and love it. Somebody who has the same whole-hearted passion for living a surrendered, spirit-led, Christ-empowered life as I.  That’s impossible.  But last Sunday God made me think of something even more impossible than that: real surrender of marriage.  Real surrender…letting go of that cloth, not just being willing to joyfully endure the amputation of my hand (if that’s what God’s good means), but laying the cloth down, releasing muscles clenched longer than I can remember. Muscles that have atrophied into a powerful, unmovable grip on a part of life I thought necessary to my earthly happiness.  Thought of life without marriage was worse than almost anything else I could imagine.  Growing old alone.

But last week, God did the impossible through prayer.  When I prayed, “Lord, help me really surrender,” He began to work from within my body, starting at my heart and mind out to my clenched fist.  And he released my grip…if only a finger, two.  And I’ve never felt freer.  But I’ve struggled to describe the change.  I still desire marriage as much as before. I still feel the pain.  And as I was reading Larry Crabb’s book, “Shattered Dreams,” I came upon a quote that described it perfectly. “It’s a foreign idea to imagine that we might desire God so strongly and passionately that every other desire could still be fully felt and yet not control us.”  That’s it, control.  I have surrendered control to God.

I hope you see why this story is worth telling.  It’s worth telling because it’s not a story about singleness or marriage. It’s a story about surrender, the complete kind.  What have you held onto with an iron grip, admitting that you are willing to let God chop your hand off?  What is your worst fear?  Have you surrendered it, really, to Him?  If not, we have a lot in common.  But we also have something else in common; when we ask Him to help us surrender, He will.  It may takes years, but He will. He’s always been faithful to me.

I shared this story in my fellowship. If you are interested in watching it on youtube, the link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiG7uNyVevE.