Used

All you people who have gone through mid-life crisis, let me tell you something:  you're a little late!  I feel as though the last couple months I've been going through mid-20s crisis.  
What is mid-20s crisis? It's when you stop, look at yourself, and say "now what?"  I ask "is this really what I want to be doing...forever... (which is a stupid question, really, because that's assuming that I get to plan my own life...and I don't).

So lately I've been kind of smoggy headed; not just because I live in Wuhan, but because there are so many things floating around up there, that no one thing has pulled through like it usually does. I like to think of myself as a person of vision.  And I guess I also like to think that "vision" is really just another way of saying "faith."  If you think about it, faith is trusting God: who He is and what He is doing (I'm so glad I can write the word "God" because I'm using my VPN and it's looks like somebody is writing this from California... muhahaha... censoring, I have you beat).  Vision is looking to that "something" that God is doing/going to do.  Vision is knowing God is working, but it doesn't necessarily mean we always know how, by what means, or to what end.  That's why I think the two, faith and vision, are tied together so closely.  This year, however, my vision has been a bit foggy. My faith was great, but for a while I lost sight of what God was doing.  I thought that vision meant I had to know what God was doing rather than being alert to see.  The last few months I've been so caught up in seeing way ahead (where am I gonna be in 5 years?) that I've lost sight of what I'm doing now; and what God is doing now. I've lost the vision that should come as a booster to faith, as though, if I can't see way ahead, what's the use in looking.


I am a teacher!  Yes.  But lately my sight has been on this side of teaching: standards, lesson plans, appropriate assessment, individualized lessons, etc.  I'm gonna be honest here (because what's the point of having a blog and just writing what everyone expects?) and say I had begun to dislike teaching... even dread teaching.  Gasp! My beloved profession and passion, unbeloved and dispassionate.  But why?


I lost sight of being used.  Let me say it again, because it's really important.  I lost sight of being used.  I lost my vision because vision involves looking for how God is using His people, and I wasn't looking for that because I have been more concerned about how God is going to be using me in 5 years.  I'm using the past tense here, but it makes it seem so far in away.  "Lost," past tense, as in, like 15 minutes ago I realized this.  Why do I dread going back to school?  Not because I'm not rested, not because I don't want to be with students (I love them!), but because teaching started to become standards and assessments.  Teaching was mysteriously transformed from a "how can I be used" profession to a what can I use to be a better teacher profession...standards... benchmarks... assessments... Sigh!  How have I let myself come to this?


So what is it about teaching that I love? I will recap here as a reminder to myself and so you can remind me when I forget later on:

• students: they make me laugh, they have "aha" moments, they teach me and stretch me and challenge me
• surrender: I'm sure there are other professions, but this one in particular is quite efficient in turning eyes to the only one who can bring real heart change and Who can provide real daily strength and wisdom
• holidays: honestly, I do like having summers "off", that's always nice, but it's definitely at the bottom of the list
• I don't have to sit at a desk all day: I get to talk to people...that's always good.
• Mostly just the first point and all that comes with it

Back to "being used."  If I want to regain my vision, I can only turn my sight back to being used.  Teaching involves planning and standards and assessments, but that is not the whole.  That is just a means.  I know I'm being quite daring in saying this, but I also believe one could, just maybe, be a good teacher without these things.  My mom was a good teacher of life and I know she didn't sit down with my dad when I was born and create a list of standards and benchmarks for each year of my life.  Things happen, people teach.  Now, I know we need standards and benchmarks, but maybe only just because my supervisor says (and his, and his, etc.).  They're good, but they're not the heart of teaching.  But I think most educators would agree with that...I hope.


All you out there who don't teach and think this doesn't apply to you, guess again.  Being used is the main message here.  I don't care what you do; God can use you.  When you get into the grind of "life" and "work" and all that jazz, remember to be used.  That's what life is about.  


This is my vision, make it yours: to be used.